Thanksgiving-A-Lewd
by loverofakatsuki
Summary: It's time to be thankful Akatsuki: for the sexual, horrific, and humorous events that will happen on this holiday and the evening before. Including crude humor, knives, a killer turkey, cum gravy and more. Rated M: lewd things, implied smut, yaoi
1. Twas the day before Thanksgiving

"OUT!" The jashinist whined like a kid, "But babe~"

Pointing a wooden spoon at her lover the woman growled, "Don't but babe me, leave and let me finish cooking!"

Still pouting he took his hands off her breasts but that didn't stop him from sliding his hand down her slacks. "AGHHH!"

Olivia started beating him with the spoon before grabbing a few knifes. Hidan stumbled backward, "Calm down babe!"

"Get. Out. And so help me if these desserts burn…"

She held up a blade and the priest scoffed, "You won't fucking throw that at me." A blade stuck to the wall next to his head and he paled before getting angry.

"You did NOT just fucking throw that at me!?"

Two more whizzed by and he had to duck the last one, forgetting about scolding his lover when he saw her pick up a cleaver. He ran from the kitchen with a giant leap and growled at the miser, who was just smirking up a storm.

"What the fuck are you grinning about?" "You should know better than to fondle her incessantly while she's preparing food."

Hidan scowled but blurted out, "When did she learn to fucking throw like that?"

Kakuzu chuckled and put his pen down, "Me and Itachi." "Since when?" "Not too long ago, but she still needs to put more strength into it."

Hidan muttered under his breath, "Could've fooled me."

* * *

"HIDAN!" The jashinist hid under the table and made Kakuzu roar with laughter.

Olivia came in with a smile, "I see you under there but don't worry; you're off the hook. My desserts are perfection!"

Kakuzu smirked and asked, "Including mine?" "Of course, persimmon pudding as you requested."

The miser licked his lips, hoping he would've have to wait until tomorrow.

"May I have a piece right now?" "No." "You know I love it right out of the oven." Tilting her head she grinned, "Hmmm, ok but just one slice. You've been good today unlike Hidan."

The priest grumbled under the table as the woman headed back to the kitchen.

"We're back!" Tobi, Itachi, and Deidara came in with arms full with groceries along with Zetsu who just stopped and peered at the dining room table.

"**Why are you under there?" **"None of your fucking business." The miser rolled his eyes, "Olivia terrified the hell out of him."

"HA! I knew you were a pussy un." "Hey, that's my fucking line!"

Tobi giggled like crazy and took his bags into the kitchen, eyeing the blades in the wall with a scared look.

"Olivee? What happened?" Blushing nervously she murmured, "Hidan wouldn't stop fondling me while I was cooking and I threw them at him."

Itachi came in and instantly observed the blades with a smirk, "Not bad, but you need to work on your aim." "I know."

* * *

Heading back to her lover she handed him a small plate with his dessert, "Mmmm thank you." She sat on his lap and waited to him to taste it, putting the morsel in his mouth and sighing with content.

"Well?" "Delicious." Giggling she kissed him on the cheek and went to assist the blonde and raven. Hidan came out from beneath the table and asked, "Where's Kisame and Madara?"

Zetsu grinned, "They went to go get Lexy." **"Madara went along to make sure Kisame keeps his hands to himself." **

Tobi hopped out of the kitchen and hugged his lover happily, "We got everything for tomorrow and all desserts are done thanks to Olivee."

The bipolar man patted his lover's head, "That's great and did she make strawberry cake by any chance?"

The boy laughed, "Olivee made all the requests including Loo-Loo's! Oh and Hidan, we'll need the turkey to thaw out tonight so go ahead and get it out."

The jashinist went white as a sheet and stiffly stood up, shuffling from the room and out the door. The miser instantly noticed his behavior, waiting for Zetsu and Tobi to go into the kitchen before chasing after him, "Hidan, what's wrong?"

The priest gloomily muttered, "I forgot to get the fucking turkey." Kakuzu groaned and rubbed his temples, "How did you forget? She sent you to fetch it a week ago!"

Biting his lip he grumbled, "I lost the money on the way there." The miser wasn't convinced, "Lying is a sin Hidan."

"Aghh fine, I just forgot and went back to sleep! Olivia is going to be furious with me!"

Kakuzu patted his shoulder and whispered, almost threateningly, "Then go find a damn turkey tomorrow morning before that happens since all stores are closed now. I'll keep them at bay as long as I can."

"Thanks old man, I owe you one." "You better."

* * *

*It wasn't long before most of the food was prepared; so that the next morning all they would have to do is stick it in the oven or on top the stove.

Kakuzu was indeed clever to distract his lover about the bird, even more when Kisame and Madara had come back with the hyperactive teen.

"Loo-Loo!" "Tobi!" The teen practically hugged them all to death, even the miser who just twitched his eyebrow in annoyance. "Will you get those things out of my face while I finish this."

Sniffing, the brunette looked at his small dessert and purred, "Oooh I've never tried that before, let me have a bite."

The banker pushed her away grumbling, "No, it's mine!" "Give me some!" "Get it from Kisame, this is mine!"

Olivia came around the corner with a small smile, bracing herself with the sudden leap of a hug from her best friend. "Moneywhore is being mean! Make him give me some!"

The woman's blue orbs just grew wide, "More what?" Sasori leaned against the doorway smirking, "His dessert." Olivia scowled at her friend, "Not tonight Lexy."

Kisame cracked up with laughter as most of the others while the teen blushed.

Kakuzu had to give the teen an evil grin, "That's correct; our guest isn't getting _any_ of my dessert."

Lexy growled like a cat and glared at the miser, "Cheapskate." "Proud of it."

Madara grinned, "At any rate, did all the preparations go well?" "Yes and it's going to be delicious un." Hidan grinned and rubbed his stomach, "I can't fucking wait to chow down."

The teen asked, "Anything special for me?"

Kakuzu couldn't hold back, "Yes, we specifically made Ratatouille just for you."

* * *

Madara fought back a chuckle but didn't do it very well. Even Sasori found the joke funny along with everyone else, all except the teen who didn't get it.

Demanding she growled, "What's so damn funny?" Kisame whispered into her ear, "Kittens like to eat vermin, hence the name."

She dropped her mouth and hissed at the miser, "I will fucking scratch your eyes out!"

Just as she leaped, Kisame merely caught the struggling teen up with one arm before taking her into the hall as she cursed and lashed out angrily.

The shark wasn't fazed and just tenderly pinched and playfully fondled the brunette's breasts with his free hand, making her slowly stop with a few low growls.

They soon turned into tiny mewls of content before he put her on her feet, "Feel better kitten?" A pout was his answer and he petted her head, "It was just a joke so don't ruin the cheery atmosphere. Please kitten?"

"Fine, but only because you asked nicely." Chuckling he led the teen back, grinning up a storm hearing about what Olivia had done to Hidan earlier.

The day before Thanksgiving sure has been entertaining already.

* * *

**TBC: **

**For the holidays and I hope you readers enjoy…..and review lol**

**Plus, as mentioned in another story, check out 'Foreboding Hotel' and let me know what yo think.**

**It has smut, suspense, horror, rape, and Lexy and Olivia are trying to escape from the hotel without becoming sex slaves **

**The akatsuki do show up but at the very end….or the chapter before lol**


	2. Akatsuki Vs Turkey

It was peaceful the next morning, but Hidan couldn't enjoy sleeping in like he wanted. He had to go find a damn turkey and get back in time for supper.

Mumbling curses under his breath he grabbed his scythe just to scare the fuck out of anyone who stood in his way.

Trudging away from the apartment he muttered, "I should look at this as an important mission with failure as NOT an option. If I do…..then my fucking neck is going to be on the chopping block!"

* * *

*A few hours later, everyone was up and getting everything prepared to be at room temperature so that later it would taste so much better.

Olivia was worried and went to Kakuzu, "Have you seen Hidan?" The miser averted eye contact and mumbled, "He went out early this morning." "Why? He always sleeps in."

He shrugged, "Well then maybe he had something to do, I don't know. Don't worry, he'll be fine and get back in time for supper. You know how he loves to eat."

Giggling she nodded, "So true, however…" The woman straddled her lover's lap and asked too sweetly, "What are you hiding?"

Cocking a brow nervously he uttered, "Nothing why?" "You can't fool me Kakuzu. When you're hiding something, particularly from me for my best interest, you either don't look at me or tell me not to worry."

Admitting defeat he groaned and patted her cheek, "You're getting cleverer every day." She grinned as he murmured, "Don't be too hard on him Olivia. Hidan forgot to get the turkey and left to go find one to make you happy."

She gave him no expression except blinked several times.

* * *

"No fooling around on the couch now…..uh….what's wrong with Olivia?" The miser gave the teen a warning glare and motioned for her to leave, and for once, she did it without any backtalk.

The woman merely rubbed her temples with a sigh before mumbling, "Good grief, I should've told him when he was fully awake and not just getting up from a nap. Damn it all now we have no main dish to serve."

"Calm down, you know as well as I that Hidan he will bust a gut to get anything he wants." Nodding his lover crawled off his lap and kissed him on the forehead, "True, but don't mention this to anyone. A food riot will probably take place."

"My lips are sealed."

*It wasn't long after that when Lexy announced there was going to be a special surprise, making the others come into the living room to see.

"What this surprise Loo-Loo?" Looking at her watch she murmured, "Just ten more seconds." All were confused and right when the time was up she opened the door, "TA-DA!"

"HUSKY!?"

"Hi guys, Lexy invited me over so I hope that's ok?" Itachi smirked, "The more the merrier." Tobi hugged the girl and asked, "It's been a long time since Tobi seen you, things going well."

"Mostly boring but it's ok."

* * *

Zetsu grinned like a Cheshire cat before wrapping an arm around the girl and purred, **"It's about time my puppy came to visit me." **Blushing, the girl recollected on their past events with the '15 minutes of naughtiness' game and got partnered up with Kuro.

"Mmmhmm, I know."

BAM!

Husky leaped into the bipolar man's arms with a squeak as they gazed at a ruffled and rather filthy Jashinist with a grin of triumph plastered on his face. "I'm fucking back!"

Olivia's eyes went wide and simply stared at the huge feathery lump bundle under his arm. "Hidan? What is that?"

"It's a fucking turkey of course!"

Groaning she snapped, "You were supposed to get it from the store dead and gift wrapped like a damn present not alive!"

He rolled his eyes, "I'm going to fucking kill it so problem solved."

His lover just glared, "If you think I'm going to pluck and who knows what else to that thing you're crazy. Get rid of it!

Hidan snapped in annoyance, "Get rid of it? So, I spent all fucking morning chasing this damn bird for nothing!" "Yes darling."

The priest throws up his arms and yells, "FUCK!" and accidently dropped the turkey onto the floor.

Tobi frowned, "What's it doing?"

Lexy slightly hid behind Itachi, "It looks pissed off." Husky nodded and clung to Zetsu even tighter. "I don't like that look in its eyes un."

* * *

The large bird then let out a shrill screech before trying to attack everyone in the room in fury.

Hidan shouted, "DON'T LET IT IN THE FUCKING KITCHEN AND SAVE THE FOOD!"

Sasori and Itachi blocked the entrance to be safe as the bird almost flogged Olivia with her screaming, "KILLER TURKEY!"

She leaped into Tobi's arm as he jumped into Kakuzu's, sending them toppling backwards into the hall with a huge thud.

Lexy was on top of Madara's head, who tried to kick the fowl beast before Kisame snorted, "It's just a damn bird let me…..OWW! The damn thing bit my ass!"

The shark chased after it as did Hidan before they crashed into one another when the bird changed direction to go for Zetsu. Husky whimpered, "It's coming for us now!"

The bipolar man merely eyed the bird hungrily with an evil grin, "Mmmm, this is my idea of a main course." **"Fresh meat." **

The turkey stopped dead in its tracks and then made some sort of choking noise before it fell over.

* * *

Tobi came crawling out of the hallway with Olivia right on top of him, "What happened?" Deidara leaned over the table and murmured, "It looks dead un."

Kakuzu groaned and rubbed his sore head, pushing his lover's behind out of his face and looking as well.

Lexy slowly slid down Madara's back, "Someone needs to go and check." Hidan rubbed his side and shifted, "No! It could be playing turkey!"

Sasori arched a brow, "Playing turkey?" Itachi smirked, "Don't you mean playing opossum?" The priest scowled, "Whatever, but it could be a fucking trick!" Kisame groaned, "Get off my back Hidan!"

The jashinist did with a curse as Madara made his way over to the bird, gently poking it with his foot. "It's dead alright." He then burst out laughing, "Way to go Zetsu!"

The bipolar man chuckled as did Husky, "He gave it a heart attack." The death of the vicious bird lightened the mood up drastically and made them all laugh.

That is, until Zetsu decided to take it to his apartment to save for later.

Hidan shuddered, "That's just fucking gross." "Can't agree more un." Kisame just pouted, "So does that mean no turkey for Thanksgiving?"

Olivia nodded with a frown but her lover wasn't giving up. "Don't you worry babe! I'll get one, I swear, in the name of Jashin-sama! Let's go Kakuzu!"

The miser groaned but followed, figuring he better tag along so his lover won't get the wrong thing again.

* * *

*Surprisingly, the zombie duo came back within thirty minutes both grinning in triumph. "BABE! COME HERE AND LOOK WHAT I GOT!"

She ran in and almost cried in joy, as did Kisame, Lexy, and Zetsu, when he lifted the wrapped bird over his head.

Sasori was shocked, "How did you two manage to get one at the last minute?"

Kakuzu smirked, "By sheer luck. A woman had just returned it because it looked too fattening and so we got another discount. Though, Hidan didn't help."

"**What did you do?" **The miser groaned, "He insulted her."

Hidan snorted, "All I did was agree that she was right; a fat, greasy, hunk of bird like this would make her look like one if she fucking ate it."

Lexy howled with laughter and took it from the priest, going to help the woman prepare and cook it posthaste.

Kisame sighed as did Zetsu before rubbing their stomachs in anticipation.

"I can't wait to sink my teeth into that bird." "Neither can I."

**TBC: more fun to come lol**


	3. Prank & Cosplay

The men could smell the bird was almost done, dying for it to be done since they were all famished. The jashinist however, had one more thing on his mind aside from food.

Going into the bathroom for a few minutes, he hid his little surprise before going into the kitchen. No one was in there at the moment so it was safe.

He spooned out a small glob of the simmering gravy and put it in a small bowl, then mixed it with the contents in his pocket before chuckling like mad. _Now, who to play the prank on? _

Thinking hard about it, he had no choice but to pick Olivia since she would be the only one to taste anything he makes.

"Hey babe~ could you come in here please?" His small lover waltzed in with a curious look since he said please. "What is it Hidan?" "I want you to taste something."

"Um, like what?" "Gravy." "Why?" "I got a dab here and added an extra ingredient so I want you to fucking taste it." Olivia made a face but shrugged, "Ok but just a spoonful." "That's fine; now just close your eyes."

Groaning she did as he got a nice amount on the spoon, trying not to laugh as he spoon fed his lover. It didn't take even ten seconds when her expression turned to disgust and rushed over to the trash bin and spit it out gagging.

"HIDAN YOU ASS!" Smirking innocently he asked, "What babe?" "YOU MIXED CUM IN IT!" Hidan chuckled and covered his mouth, "Na…No I didn't!"

Eyebrow twitching she gained a twisted smile instead of hitting him, "You're going to get your comeuppance." "What the fuck does that mean?"

Ignoring him she went into the living before coming back with Sasori and Deidara, who both loved her idea to get back at him.

* * *

The priest paled and muttered, "Fuck." The red head immobilized him as Olivia grabbed the 'cum gravy' as the blonde pried open his mouth.

"Here baby, have some nice yummy gravy." Shoving it down his throat they made him eat it, making the zealot groan from disgust as he was given more. "That's a good little baby; eat all your num num's."

He glared at his lover that was treating him like a baby but was glad it was over after one more mouthful. When he was finally released he spit out what was in his mouth and cursed. "You're so fucking cruel to me sometimes babe!"

Lexy and Kisame however howled with laughter, who just witnessed the odd scene before rushing back and telling it to everyone.

Naturally they all found it amusing, especially the fact the woman was getting more vicious when she was provoked. Zetsu shook his head and murmured, "We've finally been rubbing off on her."

Kakuzu nodded, "Personally I don't approve." Sasori nodded, "Likewise." "Tobi doesn't like Olivee being so mean. She's the nicest one here aside from Tobi and Zetsu."

Lexy cocked a brow, "What about me?" Kisame chuckled and patted her head, "You're just as bad as we are kitten." The teen shrugged but agreed.

"**Well, my puppy is alright. She doesn't bad mouth me." **Husky glanced up at the bipolar man, who had yet to let go of her before Lexy gasped. "Tobi! We need to get the things!"

"Tobi forgot! Let's go Loo-Loo!" They ran off in a flash, with Olivia right on their heels since she forgot as well, leaving the rest of them confused as hell.

It didn't take but a few minutes for the terrible three to return with a box. Lexy announced, "We came up with this awesome idea for Thanksgiving and made these last night for everyone to wear."

* * *

Tobi put one on his head and went, "TA-DA!" Zetsu found the little pilgrim hat adorable, "Very creative." Olivia and Lexy put the next one's on and grinned, earning smirks from the others.

Kisame laughed, "Little Indian girls, how appropriate." Olivia held some up, "We made different colors for all the Indian headbands with matching feathers and even the pilgrim hats."

Tobi giggled, "We made those all black aside from different colors with the band around the base." Lexy nodded, "We evened them out so everyone better hurry and choose which one they want, except for the cheapskate."

Olivia glances at Kakuzu, who just narrowed his eyes at her, "Forget it." His lover just tugged his arm, "Come on, you'll love it!" "I said no!" "PLEASE~!" He groaned and finally let her lead him out of the room, "I'm going to regret this."

Tobi pointed, "Come on Zetsu! Pick one!" Most of them piled around the box; trying to get the one they wanted. Hidan gapped, "Hey! Where's the fucking red Indian headband? I just saw it."

"Over here." Itachi already had it on with a small smile. "Fuck! Ok I'll take this one!" Lexy picked the shark's out for him and it made him scowl, "Come on kitten, I don't want to be a pilgrim." "Well you are, it makes you look cute!"

After so many minutes they were all picked over, each with their own color.

* * *

**The Indian's were:**

Deidara= light blue

Itachi= bright red

Hidan= lavender

Lexy= hot pink

Olivia= blue-green

* * *

**The Pilgrim's were:**

Sasori= dark red

Kisame= dark blue

Zetsu= green

Tobi= Orange

Madara= golden yellow

* * *

*Husky pouted, "What about me? Don't I get one?"

Olivia looked in the box but frowned, "There's none left?" Lexy patted her friend on the back, "Got it taken care of." She ran off and then came back with another hat with a bright yellow band and put it on the girl's head. "How's that?"

Husky scowled, "You just had to put dog ears on it didn't you?" YEP!" Zetsu grinned and pulled her closer, "She's officially my little pooch."

The girl groaned but grinned all the same.

*They were all a sight to behold for sure, especially Kakuzu when his lover brought him back. All their mouths dropped in shock as the brooding miser stood before them, all clad in his specially made chief's hat.

Hidan burst out laughing, "You look so fucking ridiculous old man!" The teen grinned, "I think he looks great!"

Kisame frowned, "How come he gets to be chief?" Olivia and Lexy chuckled, "Because he's the oldest and the most superior."

Madara was appalled, "What about me? I'm the leader!"

Tobi shook his head, "So? It suits the miser better." Deidara nodded, "I can see that from his mark on the headband un."

All attention was directed to that location of the dark green band, showing off a big proud money symbol.

Sasori smirked, "That's you Kakuzu."

* * *

The miser grumbled under his breath until Lexy gave her attention to Itachi, leading him into the hallway whereas Olivia got the blonde.

"**Now what are they up to?" **

They were answered when all four came back with their hair in braided pigtails.

Sasori licked his lips seeing the long braids on his lover, it made him look even sexier.

Deidara didn't like it but the girls wouldn't let him mess it up. Itachi didn't mind too much but Kisame apparently loved it, he kept grinning at him with a lustful gaze.

Madara actually found both girls quite adorable with their braids; Lexy's fairly long while the woman barely reached her shoulders. Tobi laughed, "Olivee's hair needs to be longer."

The woman scowled, "I guess….even though I didn't even want to grow my hair out." The miser smirked and stroked one of the braids, "You look fine." Hidan chuckled, "Come on babe, I like to play with your hair."

"Thanks Hidan." Tobi suddenly gasped and flew into the kitchen, coming back with a holler.

"COME AND GET IT!"

**TBC:**

**Going to try and finish this tonight or tomorrow since keep getting bugged my family and want to get this done before Thursday. **

**Enjoy and review XD**

***The CUM GRAVY was totally 'Princess Shadowfiends' idea XD**


	4. Happy Thanksgiving

"FOOD!"

Tobi heaved the turkey into the center of the table, wishing he told them to come and get it after he put it down since they all pushed and shoved to sit at their seats.

Sasori adjusted his seat and sighed, "It's a good thing I suggested we added another sleeve to the table." "Yeah, there would be no room for all the food or our extra quests un."

Before everyone began to fill their plates Itachi tapped his glass, making it chime beautifully before holding it up.

* * *

"I believe proper thanks are in order. I'm thankful for all the hands that prepared this delicious food."

Kisame smirked and followed suit, "I'm thankful for the peaceful times we've had lately."

Sasori: To another odd harvest

Deidara: For the artistic décor un

Kakuzu: I'm thankful since the cost this year was very accommodating.

Madara: Here's to a fond memory

Tobi: For friends and the company here today.

Zetsu: I'm thankful for our bizarre family/**delectable food.**

Lexy: To a happy future

Olivia: Our loved ones

Husky: I'm thankful for the death of that evil turkey!

Hidan: Here's to the food and the fucking best sex afterwards

* * *

All eyes turned to him with that 'seriously?' look before they clinked their glasses and settling in to begin the feast.

The Akatsuki and their guests did seem like a big family, according to Zetsu, since they all were chatting happily and eating in harmony…..for once.

No one ruined the cheerful atmosphere so all in all; this holiday was a great one aside from the twist and turns the day before.

Soon all were full and most were already hitting the dessert before anything else.

The woman let her lover take off his chief's sat since he complained it was too hot, but once that happened Kisame took it, grabbing Lexy and murmured, "Here's my little squaw~"

The teen blushed and quickly kissed him before Madara noticed. Zetsu on the other hand decided to torture Husky by spoon feeding her, grinning like crazy when she turned her nose up, "No."

"Come on, open wide." "I don't want no more." **"One more bite and we can go play."**

The pup turned a very dark shade of red, and actually did take the last bite with a small smirk. The bipolar man would fulfill his proposition.

Tobi noticed and giggled before whispering to them, "You can't play without Tobi." Husky went wide eyed and almost fainted at the thought of both of them pleasuring her.

* * *

A sudden war cry came from the kitchen and Hidan came dancing in like an Indian, picking up his small lover with an evil grin,

"Cute little squaw come with heap big priest, Hidan-bigcock. We go make little papoose!"

Dashing into the other room, the miser ran after him yelling, "Don't you dare make a papoose!"

Kisame grinned and muttered to the teen huskily, "Look like Chief Kisame-sharptooth need to do same with his squaw."

Lexy jumped off his lap and announced, "Ugh. Little Lexy-paw no go to bed, she go join other squaw. The cute Olivee-hotcha." "Like hell!"

The others howled with laughter from the Indian scenes, Kisame chasing the teen into another room with Itachi following suit murmuring,

"Itachi-paleskin needs to assist."

Madara pinched the bridge of his nose, "I'm surrounded by morons."

Zetsu laughed at his friend, "Hey, at least we know how to have a good time." **"Also, if you're here then that means you are one too."**

The elder raven smirked and nodded, glancing at the blonde who was almost completely underneath the red head making out. "Such a naughty brave you are brat…" "Danna un!"

Tobi laughed, "Sempai go get a room!"

Yep, this was the best Thanksgiving ever.

* * *

**FINISH!**

**Sorry this chapter short but don't have the time to make a lemon now, forgive me readers. **

**Anyway, I hope you all at least got some good laughs from this. (especially the Indian names ;p)**

**HAPPY THANKSGIVING!**


End file.
